Um... Jeff? ...Are you a Christian?

Growing up in the Bible Belt of Alabama and Georgia, one of the things that I dreaded most was having to endure relentless evangelizing from my neighbors, classmates, coworkers, or just people who saw me on the street. I had a carefully selected group of friends who sympathized with my dread, having similarly suffered (non-Christians were bad, Hell-bound people in the evangelical Baptist mind).

I was once telling a story of one such proselytizing encounter to amuse my friends Laurie and Helene. I had gone on a scuba diving trip, and my diving buddy had to stay behind because of an injury at the last minute. You’ve got to have a dive buddy, so I was assigned someone. My assigned buddy was about twenty-five or so, close to my age at the time. The first day of diving had gone pretty well; I passed all the certification tests and my buddy did as well. We seemed to get along fine.

That night after dinner back at the room I was sitting around reading while my roommates played cards, watched tv, etc. My dive buddy sat down next to me, seeking a moment alone. “Uhm... Jeff?”

Oh shit. I knew that sweet, I’m-your-best-confidant-in-the-world tone, that overly-earnest, slightly hesitant approach, like the calming voice of a dog-catcher trying to get close to a frightened puppy. Laurie and Helene confirmed that they knew it, too.

“Uhm... Jeff? ...Are you a Christian?” Apparently my imitation of it was perfect, Southern drawl and all, because Laurie and Helene howled. In reality the situation had been anti-climactic; I simply told the guy I was Jewish (a lie) and that was the end of it. But Laurie and Helene loved the story so much they couldn’t forget it. They insisted I do the imitation over and over again.

Laurie even begged me to say “Uhm... Joe? Are you a Christian?” to people I didn’t know, or shortly after I first met people, just to get a laugh. I of course refused; why create yet another awkward situation? But then on New Years’ Eve I had Laurie and Helene over to my parents’ house while I convalesced, recovering from a bad cold. My relatives had gone out on the town, so Laurie and Helene kept me company. They also invited Lawrence and David, some friends of theirs from school, to stop by. I had never met Lawrence or David.

After a few minutes, when a lull in the conversation came and it was time for me to be a nice host and say something to show interest in the new guests and make them feel at ease, I instead said, “Uhm... Lawrence?” I didn’t get any further. Laurie and Helene immediately doubled over laughing. I was surprised they caught on so quickly; weeks had gone by since the last mention of Are-you-a-Christian. Lawrence looked pretty puzzled, and although he didn’t say anything, seemed to soon realize that he was the target of a joke. He and David left not long after.

But Laurie and Helene had only gotten their appetites whetted. I have not seen Helene in a while now, but for many years Laurie has not only referenced the Are-you-a-Christian repeatedly, but has gotten other people in on it, and even actually used other people to catch me off guard with phony evangelism. I've had messages on my answering machine asking if I'm a Christian. You might even be able to catch me off guard and fool me.